- be a man.
2. have rippling muscles, massive hands, a towering body. don gleaming armor, preferably made by hephaestus himself, and be equipped with only the choicest of weapons. the amount of times you are described as “godlike” correlates directly with your status as hero.
3. be desired by all women, no matter their age or marital status. a hero’s path should be littered with swooning maidens.
4. despite this trail of women, you must always maintain an air of aloofness and cold dismissal, as they are merely wicked obstacles in your quest. of course, there is the rare decent woman, but it is likely that you have already taken the very best of these as your wife (oh yes, you might have a wife, but you most likely will not mention or think of her often).
5. have no qualms about spinning lie after lie for those surrounding you, regardless of whether they are friend, foe, or family. as they say, deceit is a virtue (when athena herself is at your back).
6. the resolution of your odyssey must be drawn out, reached only after many trials and much bloodshed. you will endure seemingly unnecessary pain, be aided (and attacked) by multiple gods, and spend an ungainly amount of time feasting – a truly painful ordeal.
7. you must, in short, be superior in every way to every other man, woman, or creature in existence. if you happen to fall short in some way, you must have a god who loves you dearly enough to divinely intervene in the name of salvaging your status.
8. a simple task, clearly.
(I don’t actually hate Homer. Promise.)